⟟ Boulder, Colorado

After COVID restrictions lifted and things started opening up again, I remember, as I'm sure you all can relate, that going out into the world. felt so... strange.

Having gone through a break up during COVID, the anxiety to do things by myself was amplified, because I hadn't been on my own or really done things solo in many, many years.

I knew it would take some time before I felt comfortable again, but I didn't anticipate being alone to feel SO foreign to me or feel like it was such a challenging feat to overcome.

The solo adventure life was always an integral part of my sense of self... but I completely lost who I was in the years prior.

Needing to start somewhere, I decided I would take myself out for dinner.

I remember it was like an out of body experience, so sure I couldn't possibly be going out for dinner by myself, that I had to watch from afar instead of being actually present to experience it.

I walked towards the restaurant, panicked and started walking back to my car multiple times, convincing myself from my outside perspective that anyone else watching me was, no doubt, amused by this ridiculous back and forth.

When I finally committed and crossed the threshold, the waitress greeted me with a smile, clearly unaware of the inner turmoil it took to get me there and asked me how many people would be joining me.

I remember my chest tightening to an unbearable degree as I quietly mumbled, "No one else is coming... it's just me."

I sat there at a table for 4 with my headphones on, doodling on my iPad, desperately trying not to make eye contact with anyone in the room while I incessantly worried about what the other people were thinking about the weird girl sitting by herself.

The anxiety continued in waves, at times making me think I should just take my food to go and get outta there ASAP... but I stayed anyway, succumbing to the fact that this was my life now, so I might as well get used to doing it alone.

Fast forward 3 years, countless challenging "small steps", 5 countries, many hours of therapy, a van build, two provinces, and a cross country US road trip later and now, I'm here, living out this chapter of my life.

This beautiful, wonderful, magical solo chapter, where I not only built a home in Flo, but I also re-built a home within myself.

A home that feels safe for all of my parts. 

A home that feels warm and full of hope and light. 

A home that brings me peace and serenity unlike anything I've ever experienced.

A home that is constant and all mine.

It's taken years to cultivate, has been full of ups and downs, and all started with the decision to endure an anxiety inducing, nerve-wracking, almost didn't happen dinner, all by myself. 

So to all of you who are making the seemingly small steps forward towards the life you want, let me remind you that these "small steps" are really not so small, after all. 

I see you.

I believe in you.

And I know, without a doubt, that if you keep on keeping on, great things are coming your way, too.